Are You Willing To Think About Success Differently?

We need a new success rhetoric.

Rethinking liberates us to do more than update our knowledge and opinions — it’s a tool for leading a more fulfilling life. ~ Adam Grant

Do you ever stop and think if our culture’s rhetoric about what constitutes success is meaningful to you? Is what our world defines as success aligned with your own beliefs and values?

In this article I’d like to share some new ways to think about success and contrast them against some of what we’re taught.

Whether your definition of success is the same or different from what is viewed as success around us, is secondary to each person’s responsibility to be clear about what success means to them. I have yet to meet a woman who wants to live a “default” life where she simply follows a path that someone else set down.

And as you define success, you may see there is a gap, and if so, then you will effect a change.

I believe that each woman needs to (re-)define success for herself, and in doing so, together we have the power and possibility to effect much needed change and freedom at both the individual level and beyond.

Let’s explore some New Ways of thinking about success.

Success is about the whole pie of life, not just one slice.

What we are taught: Some work matters more. If we’re making money, doing big epic shit, are famous or have status this matters more than other kinds of success. This is a story regularly told where people are “crushing” success and making it “big”.

In my experience, the women I know hold a full(er) definition of what constitutes success — not simply in their work, but also in their relationships, their communities etc. So I wonder for you, is success more important to you in one area than another? Why or why not?

Yet, the stories of success around us usually spotlight a singular area, usually work. And this kind of preference reinforces the message that success in work, or a particular domain matters more.

The more we continue to reinforce being successful in one area, the more we make success about a slice of the pie, not the whole. Our world is aching for success in so many other places and ways. I wonder what it might be like to honor our capacities to hold more areas as important/ successful including knowing how to do so without burning out?

I hold a particular belief that there aren’t as many women occupying CEO / leadership roles (not simply due to systemic stereotypes and barriers) but also because women are less interested in a singular focus on one thing; they have an inherent awareness there are costs with taking on a “big” job. These kinds of costs are rarely considered by an employer or society — women usually have to figure out how they’re going to make it work. Women already know “how to make it work” and can do the big jobs easily, but I wonder if we’re all a little tired of work being the sexiest kid on the block and putting some systems into place that actually care for all that matters to us.

Success starts with self and it ripples out.

What we are taught: If we put the needs of others before our own, we’ll be successful. That if we are selfless we are caring. That if those around us are succeeding then we are as well.

The challenge with the above is our hand is always being forced. It’s based on an equation of our own needs being met OR the needs of others. So if selflessness and success is about putting others first, then we’re going to hollow out real fast, and because we give a damn, when our hand is forced to meet either someone else’s needs or our own, we’ll choose to meet someone else’s needs or be doomed to feel guilty.

Some situations do demand this of us — think newborn crying… but mostly we have wee bits of choice — whether we feel it or not, to be able to choose. The equation isn’t our needs OR theirs, it’s our needs AND theirs. Everyone’s needs matter! The skill we need is discernment to know who/what matters and when. And then, courage and a deep connection to the truth that the impact and success of our lives ripples out from us as a whole woman.

Our world, and especially young women and men, no longer need to see the example of women being martyrs who set their needs aside for anything or any one. Women depleted, burnt out, overwhelmed and busy can no longer be what we lift up as success. This rhetoric must stop.

Success is seasonal

What we are taught: We must always be “on”. We must find or create the energy to finish, even if we are empty. That if our habits and practices (think exercise) are something we care about, we always do them and never skip a day. That our businesses should always be producing and profitable at increasingly higher levels. We must be more “disciplined” to make it through. Push, strive, hustle.

Culturally we perpetuate a belief that we need to always be “on”. Given this is impossible, our next challenge is to create “boundaries” so we have permission to be “off”. The Way of the Light Switch (as I call it) is the fastest way to burn out. Add to this that our capitalist society sells us a belief that our business has to be in an endless summer of production, ideally improving incrementally by leaps and bounds each quarter.

WTF.

It’s way more complex than that. WE are way more complex than this.

What if we allowed ourselves, and our work to be seasonal? Just like we don’t expect our gardens to produce endlessly, and we don’t expect flowers in winter.

What if success was being seasonal, and we celebrated the women who created a winter sabbatical for her self? What if we rallied around the woman in spring, and gave her our best efforts to support her growth? What if it was healthy to slow down, and to end some of our doings as we do in fall?

Can we create conditions that support our success and hold ourselves with more reverence?

Oh Brave One, if you are a grower, and I know you are, success will not be linear nor upward. Sometimes success will be about releasing or stopping. Welcome in seasons of birth and death in yourself and in your work and in the women around you. Let’s celebrate the women who took a long pause from her yoga practice because it wasn’t what she needed. This is success!

Why is success a destination?

What we are taught: Success does not reside where you are in this moment, so plot a course to acquire more or better or different. Stay that course, do anything you can to get there. Be hungry for that place, because look around you, everyone has something that you don’t yet have. Get in your car and race there. Now. And don’t.ever.stop.

We speak of success like we’re going somewhere. And even if it is something we’re working towards can we also enjoy the journey? Can we value our becoming and unfolding instead of believing that where we are isn’t the place where success resides?

And what if we didn’t have to go somewhere beyond nor outside ourselves, rather we could welcome success into our lives knowing that it comes to us so we actually don’t have to push, pull, hustle, strive, chase…

It’s time to stop chasing success and start nurturing ourselves and inviting ourselves to welcome success into where we are. It’s time see that success is here, and to stay where you are, and expect it.

Then maybe we can stop judging ourselves for where we haven’t arrived. Maybe moments that are challenging no longer need to be reasons to be hard on ourselves, impatient with ourselves, nor about leaning into scarcity believing that everything about who and how we are is insufficient.

Is how we are measuring success helpful?

What we are taught: Take a look at your bank account or the car in your driveway and that’s success. Look at how many hours you’ve worked and how little you’ve slept — damn, you must be busy and important. Wow, that’s a big title you have.

The tangible measures of things we can count or see, are thin and only part of what we can use to measure our success. And because these measures are so scant, they make us even more vulnerable to comparison and relative positioning.

So many intangible measures get lost in this world steeped in externals. What if a good day was one where you took excellent care of yourself because your heart was feeling tender? What if a good day was one where you were present with your son as he cried about the kids that were bullying him? What if success was making yourself a big salad full of color and texture and you didn’t race to eat it?

A good day has to be more than getting all the things done.

You know the best part of this all? Is that we can redefine success right where we are in our lives right now. As we do, new stories and expressions of success emerge and replace the old. I love being on this journey with you.

What do you think? What has this exploration of success brought up for you? Where do you feel a resounding yes? What caused you pause? What question would you ask if we were sitting across from one another at a cafe? And what would you add or take away? Yes, I feel curious about your perspective. Looking forward to reading your comments below.