The real reason you’ll never be #1 on your list
Listen up if you’re okay with being last
Are you consciously on your own list? As in, is what you need or want a priority?
I’m not telling you, or anyone, some new truth, however, it’s still true too often that we’re at the bottom of our list and forgotten in the fray.
You’re not on an oxygen depleted airplane
I’m not a fan of the self-care saying “put your own oxygen mask on first.”
The reality is this expression has a context that few of us are living.
Our circumstances might feel harsh, exhausting, crazy or busy, but rarely are we living with the kind of urgency and importance of a plane in emergency.
Furthermore, day to day we’ll probably find 1000 reasons why we could our should put on other people’s proverbial masks e.g. meet everyone else’s needs first.
It’s something we’ve learned; that is, we’ve learned to be attuned to everyone else’s needs, and we probably do it well. And, many of us may find joy meeting the needs of others!
Much of our society and culture is built off of this skill we have. Women do an endless amount of behind the scenes work, often and usually unpaid that has us attending to everyone else’s needs 24/7/365.
We see a need, and we meet it.
This might even feel instinctual…
Your big heart is practiced at feeling compassion and giving a damn.
I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know.
So tell me, is it really possible or even easy for you to be priority on your own list?
If you’re still reading, maybe you’re curious about IF or HOW it might be possible to do different, maybe not all the time, but at least to have the choice to be #1 without guilt.
The real reason you’ll be never be #1 on your list
There is a mental construct, or a way of thinking that goes something like this:
“Once I’ve met everyone else’s needs (or get everything done on my list), THEN I’ll look after my own.”
Notice the pattern of thinking: IF (x condition is met), THEN I’ll get to my own stuff.
This way of thinking is based on what’s called either-or thinking.
In other words, it’s either your needs OR my own that get looked after.
By it’s very nature, this way of thinking sets up someone else’s needs as more important than your own. And it forces a choice.
It’s no-win, and every time we act from this place we reinforce this belief, and we’re caught in this endless loop of meeting other people’s needs.
It’s flawed because it suggests someone else’s needs are more important than yours.
Even if you don’t believe this, it’s asking you to choose one or the other. Over and over and over it goes.
And even if you don’t believe this, someone else might think this is how it should be, and will knock, asking for some of your time and energy.
Guaranteed someone will always get in line to be cared for you by you.
And women aren’t supposed to be selfish so we often default in the direction of others.
How to start getting on your own list
Here’s the gold of this letter.
Either/or thinking can be replaced with both/and thinking.
It bears repeating, writing on your bathroom mirror and getting tattooed on your forearm: Either/or thinking can be replaced with both/and thinking.
Both/and thinking works from the foundation of: My needs matter and so do yours.
Both matter. Equally. All the time. Today, tomorrow and one week from now.
Just take a moment with this to consider if you even believe this. (Yet.)
Do your needs matter as much as your kid’s needs? (yes, they do) How about your partner’s, your colleagues’, your neighbours’, your pet’s and your parent’s? (they do!)
It’s okay if you don’t believe this (yet), however, just think about it. Let your mind find some space here.
If you’ve lived with a very binary way of thinking then either/or will feel familiar and known. Both/and won’t.
Bottom line: your needs matter.
Your needs matter, Mine matter. Everyone’s matter.
It may be a different way of thinking but it’s true and it’s a fact.
You’re not more or less important than anyone.
If you’re perpetually at the bottom of the list, and never ever getting to your workout, nor are you eating well, or taking a walk, or not always being the one to do the things around the house (because you’re always doing it for others), think and feel into this.
You don’t even have to do anything different, you just need to let this idea marinate inside your heart and mind and see what happens.
Because if you’ve learned the either/or way, you can also learn the both/and way of thinking.
And, dear one, with that, I’ll sign off!
In service of you and the agenda that’s calling, May it (and you) be priority.
Susan xo
