Why Exhaustion is A Triple Threat
What price are you paying for your success?
Rest is a productive activity.
~ Sophia Joan
I remember it like it was yesterday.
Sitting on the sofa, at 9 pm, kiddos finally in bed, and me googling “how do I have more energy”.
My day had started at 5:45 am with a workout, followed by a shower, dressing and mobilizing my small humans to eat and get ready for school, also making lunches, pre-thinking dinner plans… all before 8:30 am when I started my “other” full-time job.
Back then I joked that my executive role was the easy job relative to the mom/ wife/ household manager job. Corralling small people who don’t travel linear paths is hard. But truth be told my executive role was no joke, with its long hours and an intense pace of its own.
You know how this story continues. After leaving work, tired and “hangry” small humans were picked up and brought home. Dinner was made, cleaned up, kids played with and then small humans were bathed, and put to bed (a long process in itself).
So, in retrospect, it seems kind of messed up, should you ask me now, that I was googling “how to have more energy” at 9 pm after days and days and weeks like this.
What else was I thinking I needed to do?
I have a lot of compassion for my earlier self, who couldn’t see the loop she was in. She had a way of working and doing life that glorified doing. And ensuring she had enough energy — even at 9 pm to keep on doing.
It’s odd to me that my earlier self wasn’t trying to figure out how to access rest or whitespace or even a bit of breathing room.
And I also know I believed something was wrong with me for being so tired.
This article is written for my younger self, and the dear women who may be yearning for more energy, more vitality — more aliveness. I see you. I see how hard you work, how committed you are to having an impact and just how intently you want to live into and express your values across your whole life. You’re so determined, so driven. And you’re tired. If you’re like me you never even thought about being burnt out — stopping was never an option. But you are thinking about how to feel more like yourself again, and not so damn tired.
A Behind the Scenes Look at the Issue
Let’s go behind the scenes for a wee second and take a peek at some human development theory.
An equation called the Gleicher-Dannemiller Change Equation is helpful here. It holds that real change can only happen if there is sufficient Dissatisfaction (D) with how things are, along with a Vision (V) for change. and some action taking (F = First Steps). All of this energy has to be greater than the Resistance (R) we’ll face to make this change.
D x V x F > R
I lightly scan with this equation in mind whenever I initially meet with women to discover where their energy for change lies.
And the sad truth of it, is that if exhaustion is at play in their topic, it holds what I call a “triple threat” making change feel inaccessible.
We’ll keep using this equation to unpack what this means.
Threat One: D = Dissatisfaction.
Exhaustion is usually one of the dissatisfiers women name when seeking change. A tired life is not much of a life, and being without the energy to do things is frustrating. Add to this that they may also have a generous dose of unhelpful self talk asking why she isn’t doing more.
Threat Two: (too tired to take) F = First Steps
Exhaustion makes taking any kind of first steps really hard. It makes even small actions feel monumental. The irony here is that we’re often looking for something to “do” to fix the exhaustion. The “doing” is what keeps this way alive. (And the reality is we likely don’t have to “do” anything at all.)
Threat Three: R = Resistance
If you’re tired, you’re going to be facing a lot of resistance. Your mind will shore up about a 1000 reasons to not do anything, nor to act until the conditions are right. The challenge is, when your internal operating system is centred on action taking, you’re unlikely to find the “right” time to tackle the issue, there is just so much more that’s going on that is so pressing.
What About V = Vision?
It’s true that if a woman has a vision for change it can be energizing. However, a vision of “I need more energy or time” doesn’t hold enough of a charge. A vision needs to be compelling, and yes, it’s part of what I encourage women to do — feel into the change they want!
What I would tell my younger self.
“Damn, you’re productive. Did you notice what you got done today? And did you see how what you were doing was for everyone else’s benefit?”
I’d really want her to notice that. Like stop and pause and really see this.
I know I never could see just how much I was accomplishing. I was always on to the next thing.
And Dearest Reader, I really want you to see just how much you’re doing. Honestly, you’re rock star at making things happen.
I’d also ask her to give some thought to her beliefs about rest, margin, whitespace, breathing room — all those good rejuvenating practices that allow for deeper restoration.
And I’d ask her to pay attention to the mind chatter that encourages action over rest, doing over pausing. I’d ask her to get curious about her beliefs and how she knows she has done enough.
I wish there was someone back then to hold up the mirror and show me that I wasn’t tired because I lacked health practices or “balance”. I wish someone would have helped me see all my damn doing.
What I wouldn’t tell her.
I wouldn’t tell her to rest.
Even if it might be of benefit, she knows this already.
And while rest will help her in the short run, it’s a new set of beliefs (that will inform her habits) that she needs. She needs a new way of working and living that will allow her to deeply value the kind of rest that will source what she needs.
In her view, rest isn’t efficient, and her idea of what rest is or could be was shallow. So, again, I feel compassion for her…
The Bigger Source of Resistance
Our culture runs off a belief that we need to be endlessly expending effort and producing. More is better. Don’t ever stop…
We’ve got a toxic relationship to productivity. We have little reverence for our personal capacity, and have even fewer practices that create space for the rest we need.
And today, more than ever, our world is hurting. Women present with and leading on the “front lines” of the issues may be even more liable to dismiss rest now.
“How can I take a break when our world is hurting?”
“How can I take a break when so many others need the help I’m more able to give?”
And so Brave One, the truth is, exhaustion is a triple threat. Without a new way to work or live, you’re walking a treacherous path. I know, I’ve walked it. And there isn’t a good nor better time to start to step out of this loop.
It matters that you have sustainable ways of contributing your talents and skills. It breaks my heart to see exhaustion take it’s toil on you. It’s not okay that exhaustion is an appropriate or acceptable cost to pay for your work.
It is possible to learn a new way that allows for deeper productivity, and it can be found by incorporating rest. Will you spend some time reflecting on this letter and source the change you deserve?
Like what you read today? Sign up to receive fresh perspective and practices as you redefine success — it’s time to start including more joy, ease, spaciousness, meaning — whatever you need now: www.theenergyoasis.com/the-tuesday-letter
